imogen esquivel

ninotchka @ 2002-02-24T03:37:00

2002-02-23T19:52:48Z

i never thought i could last more than a month without writing songs. this job got the better of me. but soon i shall be writing songs again.

ninotchka @ 2002-02-04T04:09:00

2002-02-03T20:21:05Z

she went back to where she came from...it's the best thing for her to do...to live there where life would be easier for her, there she can study and live normally...i took her to the pier 4 days ago...we'll write letters...shortlived happiness, wasn't it?...i'll miss her...i'm proud of the way she'll remember me.

ninotchka @ 2002-02-04T04:09:00

2002-02-03T20:21:04Z

ninotchka @ 2002-01-16T00:59:00

2002-01-15T17:06:53Z

i got her text. she's been tabled by some dirty motherfucker!!!!!!!!! FUCKETY FUCK FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK!!!! hasn't the fucker got a fucking wife to fuck when the motherfucker gets home...and children! some people shouldn't have too much time in their hands - the devil will find work for idle hands to do!

ninotchka @ 2002-01-16T00:51:00

2002-01-15T17:02:18Z

i don't want to go there tonight...the establishment will close 2 hours from now, i can still go there...but i've drawn the manager's attention - we've been too indiscreet.

ninotchka @ 2002-01-16T00:30:00

2002-01-15T16:50:44Z

there are troubles not meant to be solved whichever way we try to solve them. hopefully, time will allow the elements of such troubles to fall in the right places, and, when they've taken their right places, hope begins to linger within us so we can try again. but the waiting takes too long sometimes...the waiting is sometimes too long that when we get the chance to get what we want, we don't want them anymore. and yet we learn much from desiring something we can't have...much of what i regard as life's lessons came by after so much striving and failure. the futility of it all is...i don't know....but i do know: the futility of it all is futile.

ninotchka @ 2002-01-08T17:22:00

2002-01-08T09:21:03Z

on second thought she will need a lot of convincing and persuasion to take this drastic, yet wise step. i'd better tell her personally...tomorrow night.

ninotchka @ 2002-01-08T16:41:00

2002-01-08T09:19:03Z

everything else falls into the background...love is the drug. if i take her seriously then i'm in for a lot of hardship but that's the price of happiness...you either steal or borrow your share of laughter. i'll try to take it lightly and not let other important matters of life blend into it. it's enough to acknowledge passion when you feel it but it is dangerous as a guide...passion must be subdued.

how am i to meddle into her affairs if i haven't got the resources to give her a better life? it's so early to see the dead end...and to think it began only two weeks ago! it'll drag on like this until some drastic change takes place in her circumstance. she can't leave the rathole place she works for without too much trouble...her work will be on jeopardy if the manager and her best friend finds out about us. if they find out they'll be more strict.

we've talked of other options but how could she get a respectable job if she didn't even finish high school. and how can she save money to go back to school if what she earns is split with fucking morons of the establishment.

my elder sister owns a watch shop where she can work part time but my sister can only afford wages below the minimum amount required by law...that won't be enough to send her
back to school.

the only way to better her life is to send her back to her province...where living is not expensive and education is affordable.

fuck! i've got it! she can go to a public school for free and work for my sister's shop and live there! i'll text this option to her phone.

hehehe...the fucking will shows the fucking way don't it!!

ninotchka @ 2002-01-05T12:11:00

2002-01-05T04:17:26Z

i'm going home now. i just came to the office to write a few things for the tv show i work for and to get this free fiesta ham that will rot and smell if i don't bring it home with me. i'm gonna get some rest because irene, yes that's her name, and i will most likely be with each other til the wee hours of the morning

ninotchka @ 2002-01-05T11:20:00

2002-01-05T03:32:43Z

i'll meet her tonight at the place where she works. my religion forbids me to go to places of that sort but...i don't know. how am i to get her out of that place? the owners of the place have arranged everything to their advantage and they've arranged her life in a way that will make her too dependent on them...the bastards! and she tells me about her best friend (a 36 year old woman who has the same profession but with three children) who cares for her a lot...if she cares for her, why won't she let her go to school like her children...that friend of hers is scheming behind a veil of caring...the user!

i must ask her permission to meddle into her affairs...she's far too innocent. she must have a goal...she can't live forever in this manner. if this continues, her youth will be wasted and nothing for the good of her life will come of it. she came to the city with, God knows, bright hopes but the city won't know what to do with her. she needs help to be able to see far into the future.

BACK WITH A VENGEANCE

2002-01-03T16:31:52Z

yes, i'm back. i've had so many attempts to keep a diary but they always fail after the third or fourth entry...this is another of those futile attempts. i write entries whenever i've nothing else to do because, really, memories which are really worth writing about are those we don't forget and that needn't be written because they remain vivid in our memories.

anyway, i'm back to work after almost two weeks holiday. not a restful holiday but certainly memorable.

should i write about it? i will because i've too few people to tell it to and i have to let it out for an emotion becomes too great to bear when one will not express it. so here goes: i fell in love with a courtesan. we were engaged (not to be married but, you know, together) on the 30th of december last year. we've known each other for less than a week and i already can't get her out of my mind. everything in my life's circumstance seems to be against this relationship but the heart is so capricious that it makes us humans defy everything to fulfill its wishes. i'm happy and that is all that matters. i can't help it. what is morality to me? if i'd let this love out in the open and society would judge me harshly, so be it. why should i care what other people think? only God can judge men competently and a man who judges another man becomes very incompetent. i want to bring her to an island where no one would know us....there, i know i would be happy. we'd have nothing to defy there and no one would defy us. but such things do not happen in reality...one must couragely take the course fate gives.

ninotchka @ 2001-07-09T04:19:00

2001-07-08T20:28:13Z

had too much to do at work...ideas for novel accumulated...need time to make the plot more comlex and to weave all ideas under one. less time to make music. but i've already spent 2 years not working but just writing and making music...perhaps the recent change of having a job will do me good...and some people at my job are lead lives entirely different from mine - it's very good to know and observe lives that are different from mine, they make my world larger.

ninotchka @ 2001-07-07T04:41:00

2001-07-06T21:19:42Z

i'm still the fatalist that i am. believing everything is inevitable makes one numb and perhaps too calm...i'm neither happy nor sad because whenever i look close enough at every circumstance i always see the good and bad side. why should i be happy? and why should i be sad?